Living with pain

(This is my first time sharing my feelings about this)

Fibromyalgia... One word that comes with a life time of hurt. I am nineteen years old, I have my whole life ahead of me, I should not be feeling like this. Most people look at me and see long brown hair, brown eyes, tan skin, and a big smile, it's funny to me how most people just assume that nothing is wrong. How can anything be wrong, I look like a normal girl to everyone else, that's all that matters to some people. Nothing is wrong, it's all in my head... I have been told this so many times since I was young. How could I look so healthy, but claim to feel so much pain. Trust me, I wonder the same thing. I always feel like I am missing out on my life. Most people have a hard time believing in fibromyalgia let alone believing that someone this young has it. I am barely learning to accept the fact that instead of living the life of a normal teenager my idea of a good time is staying home and sleeping. Frustration... For everything. There was a time in my life when I was even angry with God because of this, angry that he didn't give me the chance to live a healthy life. I felt cheated out of something I had no control over. Frustration towards people who don't understand that I am not trying to blow off plans, I just cant even muster up the strength to get up from my bed. Mostly frustration towards myself, why can't I just be normal? Let me make myself clear, I don't mean normal in the eyes of others, I just want to make myself feel better so I can start living my life without any worry, but it feels like I can't even do that and it is the worst feeling in the world. Emotional... how could I not be? I am living with something that no one understands. Sometimes I feel so alone in the world, I know I have people to support me, but this disease makes it seem like sometimes I have to do this all on my own. Depression is a common side effect of Fibromyalgia... depression is not a fun thing to have. There's nothing really to describe everything that I feel. There are days where I will be really happy and I won't let the fibro beat me, then there are days where I am really sad and I will just let in consume me. Just imagine being sick everyday and everyday hoping that the next day it will go away, when you wake up it's not any better, everything is just worse. Numbness... Literally feeling numb when I wake up. It usually takes a couple of tries before I can stand up in the morning. My legs are usually the worst, so bad that early in the morning I will get waken up by it and not be able to fall back asleep. It also occurs a lot in my fingers, lately I can't even open a water bottle without it smashing to the floor. Pain... lots of it, everywhere, at ALL times. It never goes away and it never gives me a break. I am living with constant pain; mostly in my shoulder and back, sometimes in my hands and legs. I am not talking band-aid pain either, I am talking pain where it hurts to the point of me wanting to throw up. It literally turns my stomach, that's how bad it hurts. Understanding... This IS something that I am going to have to deal with the rest of my life. My amazing support system has helped me come to terms with what is wrong with me. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have someone like Jeff who has shown me that it is nothing wrong with me, it is just something else that proves how strong I am. I am still working on being understanding of it all. Some days are better than others, but the days when I do understand are wonderful. I understand that I am blessed in many aspects of my life and that God gave me this life for a reason. Realization... I have finally realized that no matter the circumstance I intend on making this life one that is impactful to others and this is a gift that I can use to change peoples lives.

One and Only. Self love.

Eyes that have only seen heartbreak, terror, and despair. 

True love has never fell onto the path.

Unknown to be felt by such a new concept, 

Scared of what might come with it...  

Scared because the faults of love only before brought heartache.

At one point in time trust was not something to worry about.

Now issues haunt from all the lies that were heard.

The innocence that could not have been saved now lingers, trying to hold on.

Nothing can be let go no matter how hard it is overshadowed. 

Words that have been said and actions that have been made have slashed deep wounds.

Unsaid words, and unmade actions still ponder. 

A past that is hard to forget needs to be forgotten,

If not the future can be ruined...

A chance of being somehow repaired can crumble.

Little steps are made each day.

It is not easy, but it has to be done...

New love has been found. 

Hopefully this time, with not much pain. 

Still scared and broken but healing steadily.

Only one can piece together this mess... 

Only one knows how;

It is time to let everything else go, except for my one and only